Grrr.

The last couple of days have been disappointing and frustrating.

We are working on new material and working on switching roles in gags slowly but surely. What sucks is my confidence coupled with the fact that we're workshopping this stuff for an audience that is reserved, even for Japan. If I do something poorly or wrong, in my head it feels like the most obvious thing in the world and that I ruined everything.

When an acrobat flubs a trick or something of the sort, s/he seems to be given the benefit of the doubt: it's a bad day, or it's a difficult trick – no problem. If a gag falls flat or a clown messes something up and/or no one laughs, you're sunk. You suck, no question about it. You're not given the same allowance for a misstep or working something out.

I can rehearse something as much as I want before putting it in a show. At some point, it's got to go in front of the audience at which point more stuff still has to be worked out. It's necessary and it's unavoidable, and as much as I want to, I won't be spectacular from the start.

Another frustration is that communication is lacking. There is no in-house management that's at every show, no backstage manager. If a gag runs long, there's no one to tell us. If it does run long – as when I'm doing something new in the show – no one tells me. The crew/performers notice, but they don't say anything. You just get glared at or given the cold shoulder and you're supposed to know or accurately guess what you did and fix it.

How the hell does that work? How is that effective and how is that best for the show? How does that help me correct a mistake? It doesn't. If I'm not told, I can't fix it. I don't enjoy being wrong and I don't enjoy looking like an idiot. I was fortunate enough that Kelly was told by one of the friendly camp of performers that we ran long and it could pose a problem. That's the only reason and culturally speaking, the friend was going out on a limb in breaking that code of silence.

I have been full of frustration and loathing these last couple of days. I have not been taking it like a champ.