Sunshine and Jellybeans

Kelly and I made a mistake today. We didn't check the show order and we went out to do one of our gags in the spot we'd normally do it on the first show of the day . . .

except the order changed. We didn't know until we saw what they were setting up and then that sinking feeling set in. It was a simple mistake that could have been remedied. It wasn't the sort of thing that destroyed the show or got anyone hurt. The audience knew no differently. At worst it inconvenienced a couple of the cranky lifers, which of course, is enough to make it a horrible disaster and a failure in our characters and immutable proof that all foreigners are idiots.

I'd like to change those guys' minds with an object to the head, but I can't. Well, I could, but I won't. It's not worth it. I'm pretty sure that there's nothing I can do shake those people out of their complacency and cynicism and blanket dislike for anyone on the show who's not Japanese. That is a very frustrating and powerless feeling. If I were an incompetent idiot with no talent or skill, I could understand their feelings, but I'm not. Whatever people did before me, whatever it is that's stuck up these guys' butts, I have nothing to do with outside my virtue of being who I am and what they assume me to be. There are times when I want to grab people by the lapel and scream "I didn't drop a bomb on your fricking parents! I'm here to do good work! Pull your head out and drop the 'tude!"

That would be honest, yet impolite. People are people and sometimes people suck.

Yesterday, something happened in the show where a cue was different. Being clowns, our reflex was to get ready to go out and cover something. There was no one to let us know what was up or if we were needed or not. Anyone that could is not "on talking terms" with Kelly and definitely not with me since I'm the new foreign meat, a clown, and even less worth their effort knowing. Oh well. We just went back in the alley, once again assured that having a backstage manager type is a good thing. For our part, we made an effort.

On the upside, there are people on the show who are not negative or cliquish. We have one performer who recently returned from maternity leave who seems to be happy enough just to be back in the show.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: cranky lifers suck. That woman is a bright spot.

I wish I could end my curiosity about the psychology involved behind people's actions. It would make things so much easier if I were content with not understanding and just believing that these things don't matter.