Roughly two months ago I had an audition for a company called Pro Crisis, which specializes in crisis intervention training. It's rather improvisation heavy and I've done quite a bit of improvisation, so I figured I could do it. The audition was a very cool experience that had me leaving pensive and feeling capable while also slightly out of my element. This week I had my first round of dates working for one of the training sessions.
At the beginning of each day's sessions I was nervous. I wasn't sure if what I was ready to do would be good enough to bring credit to the company in this high-stakes contract. Every scenario I had to perform was something new to me. Each day ended with success, relief, and increased confidence.
Today – the last day – is one that I would count as the most unique of the acting experiences I've had: I was able to cry in a scenario.
I've never been in a role or show that commanded that. I've not really done much scripted or "legitimate" theater at all and what other acting I've done usually called for either comedy or just to play straight and "natural". I can't say for sure if I was just in the right state or what appreciable amount could be attributed to the last months of stress, distress, frustration, and depression, but I cried; real, screw-faced, runny-nosed crying. Even with the pauses and restarts during the scenario, I was able to pull it back and then start it right up again.
I had hoped I had it in me, but never knew whether or not I did until now. Earlier in the week, I had worked up to the point of tears, but didn't get that far. That was impressive enough to me. After the crying scenario I had worked myself up to that point again. As stupid as it may sound, as insulting it may be to all of my other fully legitimate clowning and improvisation experiences, I felt like this was the moment that I really felt that I actually had chops and that I was a "real" actor.
This week exercised a whole other application of my improvisation training and made a whole mess of my years of work seem to pay off. All of these corrections officers and case managers and nurses were affected by what my colleagues and I did throughout this whole week. Our bosses were ecstatic about what they saw us do and the feedback they were receiving.
After the end of the scenario in which I cried, the group and the coach filed out of the space and I was left alone. I looked up to the window and noticed for the first time how bright the morning was. I watched orange leaves fall from a tree. No matter how the rest of the day would be, right now was a very good, beautiful moment.
